You can imagine the many thoughts racing through a partner’s mind who has just found their partner to be watching sexually explicit materials (otherwise known as porn) on their own. It may of course be ‘why is my partner watching this stuff?’ but also, more importantly, if you want to resolve the issue, you may be asking what has driven them to watch this in the first place.

First of all, I totally sympathise with someone who just discovered their partner to be watching porn on the internet or DVD (or even in a good old-fashioned magazine). There may be feelings of anger, betrayal, bewilderment and mistrust; there may equally be feelings of genuine curiosity or even arousal. I’m not judging. All of these reactions are valid in mybook.

The chances that our partner is watching porn is growing statistically. A study, published inthe Archives of Sexual Behaviour, of 1,291 unmarried individuals in romantic relationships found that three quarters of men (76.8%) and nearly a third of women (31.6%) viewed porn on their own.

Now I not writing this to offer any moral judgements on whether or not porn is good or bad. Equally, I am not writing to offer any judgements on whether or not it’s OK to set boundaries and put our foot down. The latter is a matter of personal preference and I’m not going to try and argue otherwise. However, it’s perhaps not the thing you ought to be looking at straight away. For me, it’s the relationship that needs to be looked at, not the porn. Consider that the watching of porn is the symptom of something going on in the relationship. people will just want to let out a few expletives at their partner after discovering something like this, but if you want my advice, ask them what watching porn provides them. Put simply, watching porn provides instant gratification for people and the satisfaction of an apparent desire. However, there are many reasons beneath that, so I would want to know their motivation and what specifically it fulfils for them.

Is it cheating?

As I say, I am not here to offer any moral judgements on this topic. If you want that then there are plenty of online articles on the matter, with many saying it is and many saying otherwise. If you asked me, I would say that it depends on the context in which the porn is being watched. If my partner was being furtive and secret about it then I would question their motive for watching it (but again, coming from a place of no moral judgement). However, if it’s open and transparent then I believe it could bring something to the relationship (the samestudy in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour found that nearly half of both men and women explicit materials with their partner).

What can I do?

If you want to take a big step then I would consider offering to try and watch with your partner. If you would prefer to take a little step (either is valid by the way) then, as I mentioned before, get curious about what they’re getting from the porn that they’re not getting from the relationship. Also, find out what they want from the relationship that you might be able to offer. There may be occasion when the person is experiencing an addiction, and this would need to be addressed separately, but more often than not it is down to getting satisfaction from something which is not available through another means. As with all of my work, the most important takeaway for you is to consider is what you can be responsible for. And I repeat (and will continue to do so) that this is not a blaming

exercise – either to yourself or your partner (neither of which work in the long-term anyway). I only continue with this line of approach because my ultimate goal with any of my work is to empower YOU and what matters to you – and in my many years of personal development and coaching this is what works.